The Center for International Family Learning in Politeia is directed by Nora Charitos, Ph.D., a Swiss and US trained psychologist and family therapist. This interview with Charitos continues the dialogue begun four years ago. (See ‘The Athenian’: ‘Counselling the cross-cultural couple’, June 1985.)
EH: Nora, we last spoke in 1985, when I interviewed you about how family therapy might benefit the cross-cultural couple and extended family. Have four years of counselling cross-cultural couples led you to new insights?
NC: Clinically I’ve always de-emphasized the cross-cultural or multi-cultural issue as such, but in terms of people’s realities it has been an enriching learning experience to share the psychosocial situation of different foreign wives and their husbands. It’s facinating to see how different personal, familial and cultural ‘styles’ come into play within a relationship.
New insights? Yes. I am more and more impressed by the histories of varied strengths, endurance (sometimes also emotional exhaustion) and bewilderment or unfortunate misunderstanding in families. There is so much initial goodwill on both sides; then, through conflicting messages, through escalating power struggles, attempts to change the other and what have you, things turn sour, people get desperate, and that genuine caring gets lost in the explosive climate of growing reactivity, criticism and resentment.
An important facet of our work at the center has been seeing how middle and upper class ‘migrant workers’ and their families cope with the naturally heightened anxiety running through their emotional systems in the aftermath of or before yet another move. Our work with these ‘transient executives’ illustrates clearly what is known theoretically as well: it’s crisis time. And there is nothing wrong with admitting it! A crisis can always be a challenge. People are asked to cope. And that’s the time in our lives when we better tap all the available resources for emotional or practical support. It’s the time when letting go or building up from scratch makes us more vulnerable than usual but, for the most part, more capable as well. It’s a time to grow.
EH: Can you describe, in general, the types of clients/groups of clients with whom you’ve worked? Perhaps give us some very well-camouflaged cases, broadly rendered, to illustrate just who might benefit from working with your Center for International Family Living?
NC: When you say ‘clients’ I think of course first of the families, couples or individuals who ask for assistance with their personal and relationship issues (what people usually call ‘problems’ but what very often is something developmental in nature.) The core service we offer is therapy.
Let’s take Fanny. She is a wife of Anglo-Saxon background, sensitive and intelligent. She’s been here for about six years, has become angry about many things here and is more and more at a loss about how to deal with her Greek husband’s tiring demands, his temper and his passivity as a parent. An exploration of the wider family context shows that her mother back home has not been well lately and that Fanny, who is ‘an oldest’, is worrying a lot about what’s going to happen to Dad in case Mother dies. Here, in her nuclear family, Fanny makes it through the day with two small children and no car of her own. She is aware of being more socially isolated than is good for her. In-law problems burden the couple relationship. She feels constantly on the defensive. It’s as though she doesn’t recognize herself any more: she has no interest in anything; smokes a lot. She is irritable; hates herself, her husband, the country, the kids. Her husband, likewise, is getting more and more turned off by her erratic behavior. He says he doesn’t know what’s “wrong with her”. As far as he is concerned, things aren’t so bad at all. She has all he could possibly offer her. The children have started to exhibit sibling rivalry; they are fighting and screaming a lot. You get’the picture? Everybody’s anxiety is high.
Clinically, we also work with expatriates who are up for another move, and whose relationship issues are surfacing as a result. Their anxiety about career decisions, personal development, as well as their dissatisfaction with life in general, ask to be dealt with.
Children are actually a pretty good indicator of the family’s level of anxiety. So, naturally, we also see families where the initial problem focus is on the child.
Now, the non-clinically, preventive service of the center involves anyone with questions about living here, be it bi-nationally or in an expatriate situation. We just want to be here for people – extend a helping hand if you like. They don’t have to be over their heads in depression to come in, but if there are signs of a depressive mood these can be dealt with frankly: it’s ok. It’s perfectly human to have an emotional reaction of some sort. It’s most likely precisely what each of us foreign wives has gone through in the beginning. It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with us.
EH: What sorts of behaviors help your clients most?
NC: It’s important to clarify some priorities. To allow oneself to experiment with what’s possible here and now, to be flexible again and again, to get a sense of who one is while in the never ending process of relating. In other words: connect, and stay connected – also with the folks you come from. To be a well-coordinated hus-band-wife team, able to address certain sensitive issues without a major disruption isn’t bad either. It all boils down to a half-serious, half-playful, continuous attempt to define oneself while staying in motion – whatever one chooses to do and be. By this I don’t mean, of course, running frantically from one activity to the next…
EH: We discussed, last time we met, the host country’s becoming a ‘scapegoat’ for problems in a rela-tionship or family that, in reality, arise from other ’causes’. Could you elabo-rate?
NC: This happens of course more in cross- or multi-cultural families where ‘the country’, with its very specific representatives – to whom one may be related – gets under one’s skin occasionally. Most of the expatriates I’ve met have developed desensitization skills which come with a certain detached openness about the country they happen to live in. They are able to monitor how much of native vs non-native contacts they choose to have to a certain extent. Local, outside stress tends to fortify them rather as a functional unit rather than erode them.
Vulnerable newcomers (I myself was definitely one of these 20 years ago) or children entering adolescence are excellent ‘scapegoatists’. Like my own son: he just kept on blaming all that went wrong in his late-teen-life on this blankety-blank country. He obviously wasn’t yet ready to take a closer look at himself.
Actually, the idea that A causes Β is too simplistic to describe reality. The living conditions, way of life, local mores or the prevailing emotional climate (to name only a few) may very well be contributing factors and, as such, they need to be identified and addressed. But cause! Isn’t that saying a bit too much?
Once we know what is bothering us, the responsibilty for what we can or can’t do and how we are going to feel about things belongs to us entirely. We choose. Therefore, let’s be careful with national and ethnic stereotypes. They are valid if we are getting out to learn more about what is or tends to be. But when they become put-downs barely disguising our own chauvinism or our neo-colonial arrogance we do ourselves and others a disservice. A good question for people populating their host country with stereotypes is: what do I dislike or disapprove of in my own country?
EH: ‘Foreigners’,’or expatriates, or corporate wives may lack the feeling of ‘belonging’ here which living ‘at home’ affords. How can this problem be ameliorated?
NC: A person fairly well-rooted in her or his own country (without single-mindedly idealizing it, of course) already has the tools to apply here or anywhere. Once we get over the initial culture shock, our common sense usually tells us to reach out in whatever way possible. I think that even belong-ing to whatever extent to my given ‘sub-ghetto’- or combination of these diverse social and professional groups -is already a first step. By sub-ghettos, I mean national, corporate, diplomatic, cross-cultural, gender, socio-economic, family, church, age, age of children, children’s schools, etc etc groups. A foot in several ghettos gives us more stability.
Also, it is crucial to stay connected with one’s country and family of origin.
For the sake of here-and-now-ame-lioration, one must, sooner or later, start networking in order to compensate for the practically non-existing, pre-structured community. I am a real believer in neighborhood – and that’s where a smile every now and then is good for starters. Then, maybe, chat a bit with – whomever – have coffee together or whatever comes naturally. It means a lot to me to occassionally borrow or lend an egg or two, share plants, recipes or swap favorite dishes… This, for me, is really the beginning of community, of belonging, the flow of give and take, a live definition of closeness and distance. Then, of course, we need to reach out farther to whatever interest groups attract us: to get involved.
EH: Your work has come to focus, it seems, on anger, and on affirmation. Could you discuss these two concepts as they relate to your clients?
NC: Clinically, we rather discourage dwelling on anger, although, initially, it needs to be acknowledged. But I don’t believe in screaming it out or impeding my here-and-now-options for action or active self-exploration by scrutinizing the roots of my bitterness in paralyzing inaction.
It’s more productive to steer away from that reactive feeling of anger and, on one level, to deal with the emotional pain and sadness behind or underneath, while, within the ‘people system’, or context, to start taking responsibility for one’s own part in whatever situation. That’s our best route to small and humble but important changes.
Anger seems to be the prevailing mood of women in cross, or bi-cultural, situations until they somehow come to terms with it and this can take years. Anger and dealing with a significant other’s anger, of course.
And the idea of ‘affirmation’ comes hand in hand. I myself define positively who I am, what I stand for, through actions, behavior, beliefs, preferences, priorities etc. I also check how consistent my doing and my thinking and feeling are. I’d like to provide the workshop participants with an opportunity for creative self exploration for a multidimensional look at themselves. Something like that.
EH: The art of living in Greece, if one is an outsider, may take years to perfect, to master. What enables the neophyte to progress, and progress more rapidly?
NC: You mean how can I achieve as much of it in as little time as possible? We already have two concepts of ‘the art of living’ – here. Do I want to become a self-professed virtuoso in this art, or do I allow myself to be a ‘dilettante’, in the sense of its Latin origin, namely: delectare: to enjoy doing.
According to my own understanding of the art of living, I don’t have any preconceived standards of mastery, nor do I allow for pressure in the realm of achievement. It’s really a mischieviously happy twist on what the French call la joie de vivre.
A key word in informal discussion is ‘relating’. Relating to the country and its perceived reality, to ‘the people’ and some specific people such as husbands, friends, neighbors and relatives. I stress perceived reality because we are always co-creating what is out there by the way we decipher it. If we decipher it. If we bring in our preconceived, stereotyped (and often negative) notions, we will find them confirmed one way or another.
In most cases, there is no way we are going to change that ‘reality’ out there, or that particular guy. Therefore, it’s our turn to do some creative thinking about what we can do so that A, B, and C don’t get the better of us? Following through on these ideas might get us – temporarily – into more conflict, or it might mean we better develop our sense of humor. We might want to put our observations about what is ‘Greek’ into action, namely by tentatively play-acting the Greek occasionally, rather than being judgemental about ‘the way they are’. This can be a way of enlarging one’s behavioral repertoire, of being a bit more flexible. I am not saying it’s going to be easy from the very beginning, but when I try it sometimes myself I get quite a chuckle out of this cross-fertilization.
Another aspect of the art of living is being able to laugh at oneself in a very humble and nurturing way, to tell oneself: so, that’s what you’re like? Maybe it’s not perfect, but it’s better than nothing. You can stay.
Though reading may not help everyone, here is a list of helpful lilies for those interested:
Foreign Women in Greece (1984)
Legal, practical and personal information regarding foreign women living in Greece compiled by the Multinational Women’s Liberation Group.
A Foreign Wife, Gillian Bouras (For purchase call the Center for International Family Living: 801-4428). Also available in Greek.
Survived Kit for Overseas Living, Robert Kohls. Intercultural Press, Inc., P.O. Box 768, Yarmouth, Maine, 04096, USA.
Passages, Gail Sheehy, Bantam.
Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst, Fawcett.
Women Who Love Too Much, Robin Norwood, Pocket Nonfic.
The Dance of Anger, Harriet Goldhor-Lerner, Harper & Row, Perennial.
The Dance of Intimacy, Harriet Goldhor-Lerner, Harper & Row, hardcover.
That’s Not What I Meant: How Conversation Style Makes or Breaks Your Relations with Others, Deborah Tannen, William Morrow & Co. Inc., NY.)
(The last three titles may be purchased from the Center for International Family Living.)
